The biggest assholes from the 2026 Met Gala
Damn I been back four days and already have to drop the biggest blog of the year.
That’s right Met Gala 2026 has come and thankfully gone and it’s time to break down the biggest assholes of the evening.
In true Fatty Liver fashion, I’m getting to this a full week late. God it’s good to be back.
Alright, let’s take a look at what I’m sure is a normal, not vague, well defined theme for this year’s event:
“The 2026 Met Gala theme is “Costume Art,” which explores the intersection of fashion, the dressed body, and art, focusing on how garments and works of art connect. Paired with the dress code “Fashion Is Art,” the event celebrated the body as a canvas, exploring the inextricable relationship between clothing and the form beneath.”
Costume Art, otherwise known as clothes, is actually fairly straightforward by Met Gala standards. Maybe everyone will be dressed in nice, normal outfits and I won’t have anything to blog abou…ahh damn it.
Rihanna, seen here wearing a melted Oura ring, officially gets us started.
Let’s get the rest of this over with.
Madonna
The dread pirate Grey Pubes has arrived on the red carpet, flanked by what I assume are her army of mute slaves carrying her ship’s scarf. I fail to see how dressing as a swashbuckling Ozzy Osbourne (RIP) fits the theme but what do I know.
Lisa
Ok, I get doing the big crazy outfit if you’re like irrelevant or unattractive. I wear comedic graphic tees for the same reason. But Lisa is a stunning international star who chooses to dress like Daniel LaRussa attending the Halloween dance in a shower curtain to hide from the guys in Cobra Kai. She looks like she’s wearing one of those canopy beds annoying rich girls have when they’re 13.
Rachel Zegler
What lands Snow White on this list is the mesh blindfold. While I have no doubt that it’s some confusing, misguided political statement, it looks ridiculous. Also if you’re going to do the blindfold thing, at least actually blind your vision with something that isn’t see-through. Be willing to walk into walls for your art!
Sarah Paulson
You know what, I take it back, just ditch the blindfold concept altogether. While I respect Paulson for undoubtedly giving herself conjunctivitis in an effort to criticize the one percent, I have to question the execution.
She’s a rich person at the rich people Oscars.
One dollar? The only $1 bill any rich person possesses is the framed one they made from their very first lemonade stand before they made their true fortune inheriting their dad’s ruby mine. Blind yourself with 50 bands then we’ll talk.
I’d bet my extensive collection of hats she had to ask an assistant to find a $1 for her. I’m not even an “eat the rich” guy at all — the meat would be far too lean from the Ozempic — just don’t like the effort here.
Speed round
Gonna do a few of these rapid fire for the sake of time and cause I only have one joke per.
From left to right (or top to bottom probably on mobile):
Hudson Williams: if David Bowie was a matador
Teyana Taylor: a weeping willow if it identified as queer
Tyla: slutty Ariel
From left to right:
Louisa Jacobson: looks like an archer who defends the gates of Valhalla
Luke Evans: somehow makes the Village People look straight. I also have an overwhelming urge to call him daddy. Should probably explore that.
Jack Harlow: lottery pick in the 2003 NBA draft who turns out to be a huge bust for the Hornets
From left to right:
Jon Batiste: looks like he’s going to prom in 1978 and made his tux out of his comforter
Ben Platt: suit looks like something you knit in art therapy in a mental ward
Loik Gomez: ohhh I’m so dark and different. Fucking Marilyn Manson tribute band looking ahh.
Katy Perry
Glad to see Daft Punk finally living as his authentic self. Looks like if Iron Man was really into fencing.
Miles Chamley-Watson
Bro just enrolled in the Hogwarts School of Arts & Sciences. I only had that one joke for this but I was so proud of it that I gave Miles his own section.
Emma Chamberlain
This looks like that Pinterest thing where you line up a box of crayons at the top of a canvas and melt them with a hairdryer to create like an OCD Jackson Pollock painting then some girl you’re trying to hook up with freshman year has it on her wall and you have to pretend she’s an artist. Exhausting. Also I’m by no means a vegan but how many peacocks really need to die in the pursuit of fashion?
Awards
Alright that’s enough one-offs, let’s start doling out the awards.
The “Oh shit that’s tonight?!” award — Zac Posen
“Ah shit, Met Gala is tonight? Might as well throw on the ol’ Gap jeans and Armani Exchange jacket.” This outfit is actually from the GAP, I’m not being facetious.
Sup. — Tate McRae
Think Tate likes fat losers?
The body shirt award (humans) — Chase Infiniti, Jeremy Pope, Michael Braun
Look, I’m all for the ironic six pack or banging bod shirt if you’re a sloppily out of shape piece of shit. It doesn’t really play if the thing is modeled after your actual body in the cases of Chase Infiniti and Jeremy Pope. Michael Braun’s is a little funnier and more ironic but the bisected penis gives me some pause. Also did he steal Taran Killam’s face?
The body shirt award (butterfly) - Gustav Magnar Witzoe
The Headgear Heroes — Yseult, SZA, Gwendoline Christie
The big headdress/hat people are among the worst of the worst at the Met Gala. Super inconvenient to both you and those walking within 5 feet of you and literally never looks good. We’ve got three terrible examples this year.
Yseult, whose name defies traditional English spelling conventions, appears to be living out her dream of being a long-horned beetle.
SZA, who also isn’t fond of grammatical norms, is apparently trying to attract that beetle to the garden growing out of her scalp.
And Gwendoline Christie, whose name is conversely over-reliant on vowels, is aiming to impale anyone in front of her should she make the mistake of nodding at any point. Thankfully, she can flee the scene in disguise with the Kabuki mask that is just her face.
The “We’re a fun startup” Award — Andrew Saffir and Daniel Benedict
These guys 100% got those blazers on Temu. I know that because I get a Temu ad for those exact blazers every time I’m browsing any website. These guys look like they run the worst SaaS startup you’ve ever heard of. You’re going on a PIP three weeks into your $45K a year job.
The “Yeah, so my wife actually designs jewelry now” Award — Field Harrison & Seth Meyers
If you ever see a super rich private equity guy with a girlfriend that’s way too young for him, it’s a matter of time before he’s wearing dumb jewelry or a stupid hat that she designed. Bro is just bankrolling her terrible boutique in the city that loses $15,000 a month.
The Nnamdi Asomugha Memorial Award for the most random athlete to catch an invite to this thing — Mondo Duplantis
Shocking upset as Nnamdi Asomugha loses his namesake award for the first time ever by virtue of non-attendance. Perhaps the organizers finally realized he’s Nnamdi Asomugha. Congrats to American born and raised pole vaulter/traitor Mondo who competes for Sweden.
??? — Dree Hemingway, Sam Smith, Lena Dunham
I’m so tired. I couldn’t even come up with jokes for these. Dree, your name sounds like tree and you look like an evil queen. Sam Smith, you’re channeling Yzma from Emperor’s New Groove. Lena Dunham, I genuinely don’t like you or your work and that dress looks ridiculous idk.
?!?!!!!???!!!!! — Jordan Roth & Cardi B
Jordan Roth: Well that’s kind of a boring gow…OH MY GOD KILL THAT THING WITH FIRE! Why? What message is this sending? And why is it like kind of chill with the finger gun? I’d rather the vestigial mannequin twin be a demon straight from hell than the fucking Fonz. So much more unnerving.
Cardi B: I mean what the hell is this? She looks like she got lip filler in her shoulders. She looks like she got reverse liposuction. She looks like she’s motorboating a giant. Shall I go on?
Broke my Brain Award — Hamish Bowles
Hamish, what are we doing here my guy? Every year there’s an outfit with so much random stimuli and extraneous detail that my brain literally doesn’t know where to look or what to mock. Hamish takes home that honor this year. From the frilly shoulder pads, to the blue and gold things that I can’t tell if they’re like Japanese fans or just a shitty part of the jacket, to the bear claw shoes, to the random DNA helix rhinestones on his face. I got nothing. You broke me, Hamish. Also word to the wise, if your last name is Bowles, maybe avoid the brown color palette.
The podium
Alright, we’ve had our fun. But now it’s serious time. Here are your medal winners, the three biggest assholes of the 2026 Met Gala.
Bronze Medal — Bad Bunny
When evaluating the assholes who walk this red carpet, the question I’m looking to ask myself is “why?” There is perhaps no bigger ‘why’ than this effort from Bad Bunny. Why do you need to do gray face? Why do you think that fits the theme in any way? Why is that gay asian (gaysian) photographer in the background into it? So many why’s earns Benito a bronze.
Silver medal — Heidi Klum
*Bernie Sanders voice* I am once again asking, why? I know Heidi does weird costumes and shit but why this? Why are you like a sleep paralysis demon who’s also blasting nips? Why do you look like the statue a poor country sends a rich country after they provide hurricane relief? You ever go by a church called “Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow”? This is the lady.
Gold Medal — And the biggest asshole at the 2026 Met Gala is…
JANELLE MONÁE!!! Congratulations to a true legend of this blog. Janelle has been knocking at the door for years but finally reached the top spot on the podium. Just pure assholery from top to bottom. Fake moss, computer parts, spools upon spools of wires, what appears to be a shower drain cover, butterflies for some reason. Absolute nonsense. Looks like the Iron Giant had sex with a Christmas tree. Bravo Janelle, you truly earned this title.
That concludes this year’s compilation of the biggest assholes at the Met Gala. Sincere thank you to everyone who made it this far — this is my favorite blog to write so I appreciate it.
See you in 2027!
