100 dudes vs. 1 gorilla
The hot debate on the internet streets right now is whether or not 100 dudes could beat a single gorilla in a fight.
Actually the original tweet didn’t say “dudes” but I’m white so that’s what we’re going with.
People quickly became invested in the hypothetical with debate raging online..among men. Women, not so much. I asked my girlfriend whom she thought would win to which she replied, “That’s scary. It makes me sad. Why would people attack a gorilla?”
Because it’s fun to escape the humdrum of ordinary life, Charlotte!
Regardless, the question has sparked a litany of memes and theories among those interested, with most agreeing that the gorilla would fuck everyone up. Here is the only such meme I can include in this blog due to my aforementioned whiteness:
This debate also showed me that there are a surprising amount of movie clips of gorillas beating the absolute shit out of people, which is perhaps influencing humanity’s negative outlook in this debate.
However, I happen to be of the opinion that humanity could win. Let’s break it down.
Establishing fight parameters
For this to be a fair fight, we need to establish some parameters.
It has to be an adult, male gorilla vs. 100 able-bodied young adult men. No babies or elderly dudes to beat up on. For the sake of argument, we will go with one hundred 21-year-olds, around 196 lbs each (average).
Generally speaking, this is around the age where men are at their peak physical shape while also having underdeveloped brains incapable of fully seeing how dumb and crazy this is, making them perfect soldiers. See: every war ever.
Neutral territory. Has to be terrain neither man nor gorilla is familiar with.
This fight is to the death. Either the gorilla dies or all 100 men die. No one leaves until one side stops breathing.
Obvious, but no conventional weapons are allowed. It’s mano a 100 manos.
Assessing the opponent
Per chatgpt, there are four species of gorilla to scrap with, depicted left to right in the photos below:
Western Lowland Gorilla — Smug, cocky, talks shit and wants the smoke. This dude has the overconfident grin of someone who KNOWS that he could take your girl if he wanted to. However, he doesn’t strike me as a fighter. Gives me more of a Loki trickster vibe. You run at him, a cloud of smoke appears, and he’s suddenly in a tree 25 feet away.
Eastern Lowland Gorilla — Yeah this dude is scary. Easterns are the biggest gorilla species and apparently have sharp ass teeth. This dude hasn’t skipped traps or forehead day in years.
Mountain Gorilla — I don’t know how to put it but I feel like this guy is stoned. Gives me the vibe of a tech bro who made a ton of money early in his career and now kind of just lets life happen to him. Probably wouldn’t even put up a fight if you came at him. It’s just what the universe wants.
Cross River Gorilla — Pretty boy, looks like he knows he’s posing for the cover of Nat Geo. Put a pitchfork in his hand instead of that baby and he’s the farmer from American Gothic. Not intimidated.
I think for this to be a fair contest we have to go best on best. That’s why I’m choosing the Eastern Lowland Gorilla. They are, per chatgpt again, the largest species of gorilla, with males weighing up to 485 lbs and standing at 5’5” tall.
Now I know what you’re thinking — how is some fatass short king gonna take on even ONE person let alone 100 relatively jacked dudes?
Well we have to consider that:
That weight is all muscle
What they lack in height, they make up for in, well, everything
Eastern lowland g’s are 4-9x stronger than a trained human male, able to lift up to 10x their body weight.
They have a bite force around 1,300 PSI, stronger than that of a lion.
Despite their size they can fly around at 20-25 mph in short distances and are obviously dead nice at climbing.
All that’s to say that this fight wouldn’t exactly be a cakewalk. These things can bend iron..how do you think they would handle a leg?
However, they’re not unbeatable, especially with the force of 100 men opposing them.
Here’s three simple steps for man to prevail over beast:
1. Create a diversion
This shit is to the death, nothing is forbidden outside of the established parameters. If you have to lure the gorilla into a clearing with a tasty bushel of bananas, feel free. Fly some remote-control airplanes around its head to trigger generational PTSD about King Kong. These guys may be 21-year-old shitheads but they presumably have more intelligence than an ape. Use it.
Maybe even get a western lowland gorilla, whom I’m assuming is a rival of the eastern lowland, and have him just posted up in the stands cheering the dudes on. Classic, “You’re from the opposite geography as me so we’re enemies,” situation. Gotta think the presence of a hated foe in the opposing fan section will rattle the gorilla.
2. Establish a primary motivation
Believe it or not, death alone isn’t a motivator here. You’re fighting a fucking gorilla — fear of death is more of a performance hinderer than anything. We need these guys gassed up and ready to go to war.
So we need to find them motivation. My two leading candidates are saying that this is a rescue mission for Princess Peach or citing the amount of property damage King Kong did to New York City. You think small mom 'n’ pop shops had giant ape insurance for their 5th street deli? Lives were ruined that day! Kong attacked the American dream!
3. Swarm
From a purely physical point of view, this shouldn’t even be a contest. One hundred average-sized American males is about 20,000 lbs. One gorilla is at most around 500 lbs. If they swarm as a unit it doesn’t matter how strong the gorilla is, it can’t overcome that much force.
A pure swarm wraps this thing up in minutes. You ever seen the video of a hornet entering a honeybee nest? They swarm it and heat it up so much that it boils to death. No reason we can’t do the same.
The human element is where the men run into trouble. Our rational brains tell us not to charge at a gorilla. Ideally, we would have some time to condition the men to block out this instinct and charge forward anyways. Basically turn them into the Unsullied from Game of Thrones.
Yeah we’ll lose a few guys, but you gotta break some eggs if you want to murder a gorilla.
