Phone it in Friday
First one of these in a LONG time. This is like a 9-month backlog, let’s get right into it:
Sad life snippets
Was wearing a polo yesterday (a rarity for me) and noticed that my stomach swings to an fro when I walk as if I’m a particularly chesty woman.
Was at a wedding and had been drinking pretty steadily for the better part of four hours. Got to the point where I was just posting up with a newborn a couple had brought to the function. Saw another baby across the room and asked the parents if introducing their kid to other babies was like when you launch bey blades in the arena. Got a concerned half laugh out of the mom.
Had a deaf uber driver recently and tried to do the sign for thank you when I got out as that is the only ASL I know. He seemed fairly annoyed at the effort and just waved me off. Turns out the deaf are just the French.
Went to get my eyebrows trimmed because I’m Greek and exploring another side of my sexuality. Was just supposed to get a trim and not a wax because I didn’t want it to look overly manicured. Nevertheless, the lady waxed em. When she asked why I didn’t say anything, I lied and said, “just thought that was part of it.” In reality, she was miles out of my league and I felt too intimidated to correct her.
I end up throwing away a pair of briefs about once a month because of the sheer volume of holes in them. I don’t know what’s causing this as they are all my size and relatively new, but I suspect farts have something to do with it.
Was at Tall Ship last summer and, despite being initially sober, was very loud and bombastic because I was watching the Patriots game. It was then I noticed that a particular security guard happened to be within 20 feet of me no matter where I went for the rest of the day. I got assigned a security detail for being too enthusiastic about Drake Maye.
Was on a plane recently with a serial farter in my section. As the resident big guy people tend to look my way when trying to identify the shooter. Refusing to fall on that sword, I emphatically pointed at the mom of two in the row in front of me anytime someone looked at me accusatorially.
Found out my mom has me third in line for power of attorney behind my two siblings in the event that an incapacitating illness should befall her. I asked why third and she said “because you would probably just agree to kill me at the doctor’s recommendation.” Apparently the fact that I am generally an amenable guy is tantamount to MURDERING MY MOTHER.
I get a fair amount of food with a hair in it or on the plate but I shed so much I can’t send it back because odds are it came from me.
Was at a coffee shop yesterday, minding my own business, when some dude comes up to me and asks if I speak Arabic. I say no and he walks off, but I have to wonder if subconsciously he made a connection:
Happy weekend! Jobs suck but I need one so if anyone has one that would be dope.
