Shoot the following Red Sox players into the sun

Trying to get some quick blogs in to give y’all something to read on the crapper or whilst trying to avoid those scary thoughts about the entropy of existence and our fundamental irrelevance in the endless march of history.

Anyways, I try to avoid blogging about my specific sports teams (not even close to true), because not everyone cares about sports (psychos), and many people are fans of other teams like the Yankees (nazis).

But I’m sitting here double screening the Sox-Nazis game and the Patriots 12th stringers v. Perkins School for the Blind (Giants), and figured I’d fire this off for the three people who care.

All that is to say this — the Red Sox have far too many useless guys on the roster.

I don’t mean bad players. Hard to have a full MLB roster without a few less then stellar fellas. I mean guys who actively contribute to us losing.

People call me “overly critical” or “unrealistic” or “sort of gay” but I just call it like I see it.

I don’t believe in carrying players just for the sake of filling out a roster. Sign guys who can have a real role, not just take up a locker. Everyone else should be cut.

So with that, the Sox need to cut the following players immediately:

Rob Refsnyder

This might be moderately controversial but this guy pisses me off. Seems like a good guy but as a baseball player he’s just kind of there. Not particularly good at any aspect of baseball and is arguably the world’s worst pinch hitter. Whatever the opposite of a sparkplug is, that’s Rob Refsnyder. Just no need to carry a guy like that.

David Hamilton

Outside of being fast, he contributes literally nothing. We keep bringing him up because we forgot to get a second baseman in the last 12 offseasons. His recent credits include getting picked off at third like an hour ago. Never seen that at any level of baseball. Best case scenario for his career is he’s a guy who gets a timely steal in a playoff game as a pinch runner then is never seen again.

Nate Eaton

See above.

Connor Wong

Just don’t have a second catcher. Put a fat kid in a Michelin man suit back there if you need to give Narvaez a day off. He will literally never do anything to help the team.

Masataka Yoshida

Ok I promise I’m not just picking on the asian guys. Yoshi is the best player on this list for sure, but he’s just redundant. We have like 800 outfielders and he doesn’t fit. He’s like the scrub kid in your neighborhood you pick early to be on your team in pickup just to give him a win. We’re forcing him into the lineup when we’d be better off letting the Password hit nukes.

He’s batting with two on and two outs as I type this and I guarantee you he gets out…anddddddd yep he just hit a weak pop out. No room for that shit.

Greg Weissert

Surprisingly one of only two pitchers on this list, Weissert doesn’t even have bad numbers — he’s just one of those guys I audibly say “ahh shit” every time he comes into a close game. Like you know he’s gonna blow it. Inspires zero confidence.

Jordan Hicks

Last and least is Jordan Hicks, who the Red Sox acquired as part of the Devers trade. I can not express in strong enough terms how bad this guy sucks. Cool bro, you throw 100. You know who else does? Like a tenth of all pitchers in the league (ChatGPT). You’re facing professional hitters. If you throw 100 mph right down the dick they’re gonna put it on the moon. Luckily it’s hard for people to hit Hicks if he doesn’t throw the ball within 10 feet of the plate.

If he wasn’t being paid an ungodly amount of money and Breslow wasn’t too stubborn to admit his pitcher evaluation system is just him holding up a radar gun, this dude would have been exiled to Guantanamo weeks ago.